Running Out of Time
Do you ever feel like you’re running out of time? Like the clock’s ticking and it says YOU’RE BEHIND? Like everyone successful and happy that you know started out when they were younger? Like it’s probably too late for you to pursue your dreams and you should just give up?
I turned 31 a couple months ago and usually those are the kinds of thoughts my birthdays stir up.
When I was 21 I remember thinking how I’d be “old” in my thirties and probably have a husband, kids, cellulite, and a mortgage on a two-story house…but here I am ten years later and since I have none of those things, it’s easy to feel like I’m running out of time.
Yet when I reflect on my 31st birthday, I feel spoiled by just how loved I am.
In a world plagued by “the epidemic of loneliness,” I ate six cakes; I was sung to five times; I had four parties; and I got so many messages that it took me about two weeks to respond to all of them. So yes, life has uprooted my plans like the house in the Wizard of Oz and I haven’t quite landed where I expected. I have a lot of unfulfilled dreams. But when I think about it, I am rich in community and friendship. And that might be worth more than having all of 21 year old Becky’s dreams come true.
On top of that, as I look back on the last ten years I can see how much I’ve grown. I’m braver and more honest than I used to be. When I fall down, I get up and keep moving forward. When I don’t like something, I say it - even if it might upset someone. Those things may sound small, but they would have been big wins for 21 year-old Becky.
I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like I was running out of time and needed to get going on all those things I mentioned (minus the cellulite). Every birthday was a reminder of how little I had accomplished so far. Every afternoon of free time was a self-inflicted test to see if I’d finally get down to business with my creative goals…or at least tick something off my to-do list.
Don’t get me wrong - making your dreams come true takes work. It’s a thousand baby steps of consistency and discipline, and I want to keep taking those steps.
But I turned 31 two months ago and all I feel is grateful. I could’ve stopped having birthdays at 30. How tragic would that have been? I could have celebrated alone, but I didn’t. So I’m counting 31 as a good year - a marvelous one in fact.
As I was praying tonight, I was telling Jesus that I’m not anxious about the future. Will I ever get that happy ending with a husband and kids and cellulite and my dream job? Will I stay in Spain like my friends want me to? Or will I move back to the states like my other friends want me to? I don’t know but…I trust Jesus to work it out. I no longer feel the need to speed up the timeline and figure it out myself. And if you know me, that’s crazy because I am always trying to hurry up and figure it out.
I haven’t accomplished all of my dreams yet (especially some of the biggest ones) but I’m not running out of time. I’m not behind and neither are you. Jesus knows the right timeline for each of our lives, and I’m just grateful to live mine out. Grateful for another year to get white hairs and smile lines. Grateful for all the adventures and misadventures. And especially grateful for all the beautiful, strange, difficult, funny, kind, wonderful people around me. If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of them 😉
Comments